July 7, 2013 – The Game Changer

10.04pk , July 7, 2013.

A day that changed my life.

That was the day my beloved Mother Madam Gurmel Kaur left to meet her creator, a day when I saw my entire world shatter right in front me

As the machines surrounding her in the CCU wards in HKL started shutting down, this was the game changer.

As I held her palm clasped into mine , whispering into her ear that it was time for her to go, that I will look after Dad, something at the back of my head told me perhaps I had over promised.

As the other siblings and their families started streaming in, I sat alone on the floor outside the corridor and I was all alone, no one to comfort me, no one to give me a hug, no one to say it was ok to cry.

It then dawned upon me that harsh reality of life – that no one cares when you are in misery for everyone cares when you are successful,

Some nine months later I lost my small toe to diabetes, a year later, April 22 both my kidneys.

Effectively I have not been gainfully employed since April 22 and have had meagre income despite the fact that I had to undergo various operations – ranging from list of my eyesight, replacing my eye corneas three tines, foot reconstruction, the last bring on June 29 last year.

And all this time I have struggled through, both financially and emotionally

I have depleted my savings, eaten into my EPF as my medical bills alone amounted to 350k.

Many many tines I tried to get employment, I helped others get into positions, did proposals, provided ideas, made self sacrifices to help many individuals be what they are today – some Presidents, CEO’s, COO’s to successful businessmen or legends, but once there, they turned their backs.

A wise old man told me, you are the victim of your ability, I pity you as you are paying the price of holding on to your principles, and that does not pay in today’s world.

Yes, he is absolutely right.

Today I am surrounded by power crazy individuals, backstabbing, corrupt, insecure, incompetent, jealousy, greedy, bigots, self centred individuals who only have one thing on their minds – life is all about me and myself.

Gone are the values of self dignity, mutual respect, togetherness and compassion, gone are the days where a man word is his honour.

Being used and abused is a norm for me, I just never learnt the bitter truth in life.

From simple things to the more complexed, there is never a spot for me on the gravy trail once I put others on it, doing their thinking for then, giving them ideas that they claim to be their own,

Some had the audacity to ask me to shut down my website in order to give me a job, well that means all you want to do is shut me up, send me away,

Except for my 87 year old father, I have no one, for the rest are only related to me in name.

Imagine birthday parties being held and I am left out of the invitation list when it was me who used to organise and pay for their parties a few years ago, despite my health conditions.

I never shirked from my duties, be it work or family difficulties. But that’s life, today when you need help, the family turns away.

Oh well I always believed in Karma, but never once do I pray for evil things to befall in those who hurt me. It’s for the All Mighty ti decide, for I am a mere mortal.

What next ?

Effectively 2019 had virtually ended for me, I am bracing for the worst.

Another year or so is the period I can sustain on no income to pay my medical bills, my cost of living and so forth.

And then that day will eventually come, rather planned then by design,

It will not be fated that I die for it will be determined as I no longer will have the resources to live.

I have prepared my will, not for any worldly belongings I have ( hardly any left) but for me to be removed in physical self from this heartless world.

No advert, no informing anyone, just a simple funeral with only a handful of dear friends to say their goodbyes.

That is the way I want to go, and the way I want to be remembered is best reflected as such , “ For he died a pauper, at least he had his principles intact.”

For all those who think that I wrote for money, you need more prayers to help yourself. Had money been the invective, I would have lived longer.

This world is all about money, nothing else. Either you have it or you do not, simply put it just how Low are you willing to stoop for money,

To my Mum, I had a wonderful time with you over the years, we had our up’s and downs in life, but we stuck together, no matter what.

Our roof used to leak, our poverty, our difficulties in life, but the upbringing and live she cherished on me can never be matched.

My mum was one of the kind, ask any person who knew her, she was full of kindness and honesty. No matter how difficult life was for her, she never let it show.

The flame that blows within me today , the fighter I am to overcome obstacles in life is all due to what my Mum taught me.

But like her I too will soon perish in this ungrateful world.

And then this space where I pen m thoughts will be empty as is my heart today, a day of profound sadness .

May you be happy in the gardens of heaven Mum.