Mum – 5 years on

July 7, 2013 – that was the day I stopped believing the God existed.

It was on this fateful day that I lost my most cherished possession – my Mum.

Yes the words of comfort still lingers on in the back of my

mind – your mum had gone to a better place, your mum is with her creator, your mum is in heaven, your mum is no longer suffering.

These are words that we often hear when a cherished one departs.

But Mum was Mum, no one could ever replace her, no one could hold a candle to her, no one shows such calmness in face of adversity, no one shows respect as she did, no one could have held this family together like she did.

Today, it is all disintegrated, no one really misses mum, no one really eves a thought of sitting around a table and recollect the memories of the great days we spent with her.

After a year I realised that only I missed mum, and I lost more then just mum in the past five years.

I lost my toe in 2014, both my kidneys s in 2015 which resulted in Dialysis , my right cornea in 2016, my left cornea in 2017 and late last month I was told that my metatarsals were infected with some removed during an operation.

Now in order to prevent further damage, I need to go on a dosage of antibiotic for the next three months, hoping to curtail the problem or I might lose my left foot.

But Mum if the key word and I believe that somewhere from where she is, she is well aware of the issues I am going through.

She have me strength all the time, urging me on in life, encouraging me to strive.

However the one thing I learnt most from my mum was to live a life of principles, always be truthful no matter how much it hurts and to be honest in earning a living.

Her frequent advice was – live within your means, if you earn a ringgit, spend 80 cents, keep some for the rainy day but never overspend and be in debts .

As a family, life was tough, money was hard to get by and growing up there was no luxuries in life.

I spent close to 34 years living with my parents, and even after I moved to KL in 1996, I made it a point to return to a Tampin every weekend.

After Mums passing in 2013, despite my failing health condition, I never forgot my obligation and responsibility towards Dad who I whispered to mum in her last moments that I would care for

Alas circumstances changed over the past year, it became tougher both emotionally,physically and financially,

Hence today I am no longer in Tampin, the duty of caring for Dad assumed by the other siblings and no longer do I go to the house where I spend most of my 55 years.

When external forces assume control, it’s best to walk away, no pint fighting or arguing cos one must remember that my vehicle numbers are 14, hence 1 against 4 has no chance, perhaps 5 years ago when I started this journey, that was the message.

So today marks the 5th anniversary of Mums passing and as normal I will host a lunch for some elderly friends and relatives in Tampin, not in prayer but to cherish the good times we all had with her.

The only significant change will be I have to host it at a restaurant as I do not have any assistance to prepare the food or a roof over my head.

Never a day goes by that I do not think or miss mum, the smile on her face, the stern look she gives when upset and above all her towering presence ( though she was not that tall) that she had over the family.

My regret – only one though, I feel I could have done more for my mum, for when her time came to sit back, put her feet up and relax, God decided that her time was up.

As the tears roll down my cheeks as I pen this, the searing pain in my left foot , my thoughts are in a distance, my thoughts and prayers are with you mum.

Although I have undergone severe tests in terms of medical issues, I have stood firm to fight each and everyone of it, knowing that you are cheering me on.

But this battle hardened body is weary mum, not because it cannot be fixed, but I am losing the battle in my mind, the desire to fight no longer as strong as before

But true to your advise, I will keep my principles intact, no matter if I die a pauper and all alone.

At least death will reunite us.

Love you and miss you loads mum.

Keep an eye on me and when you see God, Whisper a good word for me as I will fight and fight till my last breath.

Man proposes, God decides.