Happy Anniversary Dialysis

April 22, 2015.

A day I will never forget.

That was the day I was wheeled into the Prince Court Hospital and a catheter was placed in my neck.

And that was the day I started the first dialysis session, my weight was 105kg.

I was wheeled into the dialysis centre in Jalan Gasing and after the first session of 2 hours, I walked out, instead of the wheelchair.

Then it was daily sessions of dialysis, starting from 2 hours, moving to 3 and then 4 hours, the entire week, 6 days at dialysis.

That treatment was necessary to remove the excess fluids in my body.

And some 6 weeks later, I weighed 72 kilo, a drastic drop in weight from 105 kg.

It was a tough 2 months initially, not only was I in a daze and going through a life changing experience, a bigger blow was to follow at the end of June.

I had since 2012 worked as a free lance content provider, making Hockey my passion as I created and maintained websites.

But my only source of bread and butter was unceremoniously snatched away by some individuals who opted to capitalise on my illness to enrich themselves.

No jobs, no income, no support, I was fortunate that some former Hockey internationals joined forces to raise some RM27k to help me to provide for my infuse dialysis treatments until help was granted by Socso three months later.

The beauty is that Socso never reimbursed me for my treatments in May in June as I did something like 50 dialysis sessions in the two months, each costing RM170 at that time.

After three weeks, of intense dialysis I made my way to the Sentosa Hospital for the insertion arteriovenous fistula (AV fistula) created in my left arm.

After eight weeks, the “ fistula” was ready and was to be used.

The catheter was removed from my neck, but two weeks later, the arm became infected and the “ fistula” was removed via another surgery.

I remember that day very well as Tan Sri Muhyiddin was the Deputy Prime Minister when I was wheeled into the operation theatre and by the time I was out, he had lost his post.

So another 8 weeks passed after I was installed with the second catheter and it was only in. December that my second fistula, this time on my right arm was ready to be used.

So I am a fourth year dialysis patient, it was never an easy journey, many a time in the initial stages I had wanted to give up living, just end my life.

But I guess I had better principles in life that many can ever understand.

I was fortunate that I had some very good friends who helped me through my initial months of medical issues, many a time doing more then what blood relations could or ever did for me.

I told myself that I owed it to my old Dad to remain alive as I had promised my mum before she passed away on July 7,2013 that I would look after Dad.

Hence the desire to soldier on, to drag myself out of bed for the three tines weekly sessions , in order to stay alive.

Many a time I am asked this question, does dialysis hurt?

Yes. There are two types of hurt, one is in a physical nature as there are many sacrifices and a change of lifestyle to be adapted to.

Then there is the financial pain.

I spend at least RM3,000 per month on my dialysis treatment plus medications which are supplements plus injections.

Now do the maths, RM3,000 a month x 48 months – RM144,000.

Over and above that I had in 2014 lost my small tie and did reconstructive surgery on my left foot that cost in total RM75,000.

And not forgetting the three cornea transplants over 2915-2017 that cost a whopping RN95,000 in medical bills.

My eyesight was never restored to its normal state despite that amount spent.

I need to undergo injections into the eyes every 6 months that cost RM10,000 each time and I last did it some 16 months ago as I just cannot afford it anymore.

Hence at times there are typo errors in my articles. But I just cannot help it, my eyes let me down.

So there goes my savings and thanks to certain individuals in Hockey, I had earned peanuts over the past 4 years with only the Sultan Johor Cup my sole contributor.

But as I said, and I repeat, I was always pulled out of tight spots by friends when family just turned their backs on me, save for my brother in Tampin and Sister in London,

It was some two months ago that I was approached to write for a newspaper. But as news on that leaked out, jealousy set in and backbiting started.

So before anything could be for souses, I decided to decline, on my own accord. Not wanting more assholes in my life as they forgot what I did for them in the first place.

Suffice to say despite my handicap in terms of dialysis and blindness, I am still a safe mire accomplished writer then you embarrassingly can be, losing out to a handicap.

I was a loner. I live a loners life. I have been castigated. Shunned, written off. But I survived, and I will survive despite’s odds stacked against me.

Though many a time I pray each night, not hoping to see daylight the next day, God just refuses to listen.

My illness made me realise one thing, that when you are on top, you are sought after and praised.

But when you are ill, people tend to take advantage of you. Only those with money are considered worthy relatives, worthy friends.

That is the way of life.

Many a time I skip a meal a day, while others have 3 a day, I feel blessed to have one a day.

Besides it helps me reduce my urea in the body, thus extraction is controlled.

Excessive extraction causes Low blood pressure. Mine at times drops to 65/44.

So I have learnt to maintain the right body weight, no matter how much the mouth desires certain savoury food. The mind plays to task master to reject the good food, staying simple.

I have served several Ministers. Politicians, civil servants, royalties, you name it and I have at one time or another assisted them, many are where they are today thanks to my efforts, my advice, my hard work, my consultancy and my decisive writings.

I have personally helped many when in fire straits, in difficulties and so forth, career wise and some even in family issues.

But no one ever helped me, none in the paragraphs mentioned above.

Some of them are so called aristocrats, connected personalities, rich on their own accord or through positions achieved, yet over the past 4 years none helped me to overcome my medical bills, except for a few concerned friends that God will look over.

Yes there was one or two that wanted to give me monthly allowances to help overcome my medical bills, but there was a pre condition – or post condition,

That I was never to write against them or their cronies.

A tough call, here I needed money to survive. And in the process, I had to sell my principles.

It was not a tough choice, I declined, and the money stopped the day I said no,

It was not a great deal as the deal only lasted in some cases a month, while in another case 4 months.

Then there was a promise of a job offer, with one person even taking a copy of my identity card to draw up a yearly contract to be an advisor for sports.

Still waiting for that incredible liar to live up to his word.

Another showed concern, invited me for discussion over tea at a 6 star hotel, yet never delivered at all, merely lip service.

The best one was one who came to my dialysis centre, to pour his frustrations out about a certain national body, a certain leader, and wanted my help to expose it,

But when he had jobs to do, he opted to give to cronies of the same person who he wanted to bring down.

So those who have not deliver what they promised. My advice is simple, look at karma, the sad part is it might not be direct but will ultimately get to you one day.

I pray, I plead, I beg God to be merciful, kind, assist those who have helped me in life through one way or another.

Those who helped me go to dialysis, being their in my 15 operations, help me even to buy food, help me shit house, drive me around, give the occasional phone call, meet up with me from time to time, send me encouraging messages when I post on my blog – virtually all those who push me to stay relevant and alive.

I thank you from the bottom of my life. You know who you are more importantly the Lord knows who you are.

And those who hurt me, I thank you for making me so bitter in living on daily in such difficult situations.

I may be a vision of you selfish character, but I plead with God never to let you go through dialysis. For you will not be able to handle it.

Let’s celebrate my fourth year with forgiveness. Being kind to those who let me down and give them another chance to make good their promise.

I might die a pauper. But I will not sell my principles.

Butter. Nope I no longer am. I have an avenue to share my experience.

My writings help me overcome boredom, frustrations and above all keeps me alive.

More importantly my ramblings actually make sense.

I seek no pity, no forgiveness, no compassion. For all I seek is truth, honesty, FairPlay and Justice.

Now where are my shoes that I gave up in New Delhi to walk in my socks in the winter of India some 6 years ago!