Living the dream – Used and abused

Is life worth living?
This question crosses my mind daily and while many pray each night before going to bed for a better tomorrow, I pray never to wake up the next day.

This July 7 will mark the fourth anniversary my Mum left me to be in God’s garden.

The pain never went away, though I have over the years tried to portray an image that all is well.

A year after Mum left me, my health issues began as I started losing vision, ending up with three cornea transplants ( as one was rejected) and injections to the eyes to stop bleeding in my retinas, something I go through every six months now that cost an arm and a leg, save to say I spent close to RM90k on my eyes alone.

Then my kidneys failed and as a result I need dialysis three times a week, unable to skip a session, at risk to my life should I do so as potassium and phosphate builds up and the blood could turn toxic.

For those who think it’s easy to do dialysis, try sitting on a chair for 4 hours, forget about the part where blood is drained from your body, goes through a dialysing machine and is pumped back.

Imagine being pricked by needles six times a week into your arm!

There is a thin line between life and death during dialysis and I came close to this several times as my blood pressure dropped to as low as 65/44.

I have seen a fellow patient die just a few feet away while on dialysis as many times a familiar face is no longer seen as they are dearer to God.

Injections for haemoglobin replacement with medications to control phosphate ( which is RM6 a tablet and I need to take 6 tablets daily) plus calcium plus dialysis cost me something between the range of RM2800 to RM3,200 per month.

And I have to travel to Tampin to care for my aged Father who is 85, but thank God in a better health condition then his 55 year old Son.

How do I cope with all this?

Frankly others have no idea on my sufferings, thinking that all is good and plain sailing as I plod on without fuss.

I have not held a job since 2013 and all the hockey media jobs I used to do to put food on the table were snatched away by unscrupulous person through a sinister manner is few years ago.

I was never vengeful with anyone in the leadership but with this one person who will stoop low and use people for his own greed.

That put a hole in my pocket, virtually putting me on the streets, but I continued pro bono in carrying Hockey updates to highlight the truths, no malice intended against anyone or for reason of getting back as they were merely misled.

Although I have helped many during my lifetime, they turn their backs on me now, some even whom I helped since they were kids, turning up my door unable to provide food for themselves, helping in building their careers, making them international stars from just a kid from a small town.

But that does not hurt me more then people who in the front portray a concerned image but dare not want to be associated with me as they want to please some higher up’s, forgetting the fact that they only should bow to the Al-Mighty.

This is where I coined the term – guilty by association , meaning they are branded enemy of the state for being close to me.

I know a few who have questioned my friends or players why they help me? But I too have a question / why do you hate me? Cos you cannot handle the truth and cannot accept being told in your face you are wrong!

Ideas, projects, events – all have been stolen, hijacked and even plagiarised by some who claim to be God fearing but are in actual fact nothing but crooks in robes.

Try to get a job and you will be told – sorry but times are bad, we cannot afford you, we have no openings.

But in actual fact they mean – we are scared to employ you as the ” big boys” will not like us.

Hello all I seek is a job to earn a living to hero in living, not charity lah.

There is one guy who I helped secure a multi million dollar contract but has employed all the Tom’s and Jerry”s of the world but tells me he does not have the money. Well my answer to him is simple – see you on the other side but then again I probably will not see him cos I will be in heaven and he certainly in hell.

Many who are close to me have faced the wrath of those in power – from losing sponsorship deals, assistance for their sports or events, to even losing commentator jobs which they are good at.

These are the people I salute, they stood by me, knowing very well I never waiver from my principles, always being able to differentiate right from wrong.

As I keep saying, I rather die a pauper then selling my principles.

Then there are those who used me to get into positions of power, calling and messaging me until they get to their destination, then cutting me off as if I am a cancer.

I admit I was naive as I allowed myself to be used by these persons, as I thought they were genuine for sports and I did it with a clear conscience, never did I try to get anything in return for my lobbying.

Look into the mirror, ask yourself if you have been fair in your life to those who have put you where you are today. And if not one iota of guilt crosses your mind, then sleep well.

But I doubt those who actually fear God can sleep well as they know they are guilty as charged.

Corrupt, power crazy and abusing privileges are some of the documents that I have collected over the years of my working career, which one day will find its way to the public domain as those who have skeletons on their closet best pray I do not die fast as once I do, these X Files will be revealed to the relevant authorities,

Sort of WikiLeaks of Malaysian Sports!

I am legally a handicap, with a status of being legally blind due to my eye problems, earning a meagre RM1,795 per month through Socso, not even enough to cover my medical bills.

Having eaten into my savings, I barely have enough to last me three months, so really death will be an option to get out of all sufferings and misery.

And some now think that they want a piece of that cake as well.

The pain of operations, dialysis is no where compared to the pain of being used and abused, ignored and forgotten.

If one will remember the example of the condom I gave, well life is such – looked for when needed, used and then ditched, this is how people in power have treated me.

Oddly some have mentioned that the loved ones would miss you when gone – but always remember that loved ones ditch you in time you need them, as why bother pouring water into a river they might think,

So do I fear dying?

No, never as I welcome it with open arms.
I have a choice in deciding when to go, for all I need to do is to stop dialysis, and let nature take its course.

This is not s threat but a reality as financially I am heading towards that direction, failure to secure a decent paying job or media PR work in the next one month will seal my fate.  

With litigation pending that scenario could well be expedited.

It’s akin to being a soldier in a war zone – down to the last bullet, facing an army while so called friends in the infantry turn a blind eye and a deaf ear.

God bless you all, let’s make sports great again – by cheating, abusing, corrupting the system to fill out and the coffers of our cronies.

If your child ever wants to excel in sports, lock them up please, it’s a dirty world in sports these days.